In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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