I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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