I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
