and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
