I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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