shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
