From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
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