This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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