so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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