you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just gift wrapped bread.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize