You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
