I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
