You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
