I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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