I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he wants to bone in the snuggie
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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