I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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