I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize