i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
