He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
