Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
