I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
