dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
