i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
