My first STD was from a foam party
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
