I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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