I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
