hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Too much gin, very little bucket
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
