Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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