Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Randomize
