I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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