I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
