I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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