my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
