just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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