Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
