I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Your penis caused this!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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