guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize