In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
