just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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