you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You ruined the universe
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
