Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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