You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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