People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
