I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Randomize
