Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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