I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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