I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize