I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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