He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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