if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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