Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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