forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
