My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
