Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Help. Why am I so naked?
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