Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
