Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
