The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
