I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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