The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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